You would think after literally a fifteen month break from legitimate academia a dork like me would be excited to return to school. The grass is so often greener on the other side, and I get to return to that side.
An opportunity like that so rarely comes around, you would think I would really be appreciating it. Taking one last hurrah around the track, being able to return to the glory days of college. That is a precious, coveted gift, and I should be stoked about it.
The last half a year, I have been. But now that it literally looms right before me, now that I am about to dive into the thick of it, I am afraid I may drown. Oh God. Can I handle this? I really don’t know. I might break down. I probably will; it has happened before. WHAT have I gotten myself into? Six classes and two jobs?! So much for that social life. Or my peace of mind or sanity or morning quiet times or physical health or any of the things that actually matter. Jesus.
So even as life continues on rather normally in the present and I go prancing around like the camp counselor I am for all of my residents and new freshman beginning to move in, even though I just received an amazing scholarship for a year of graduate study abroad (which should seriously take some pressure off of senior year, right?), even though I am just fine right now, I see the tsunami building miles off. I know it will inevitably crash over me, and I fear it. Just fine is not living, though. Just fine is getting by, and it can quickly spiral into a euphemism for No! I am not fine at ALL! I thought I had conquered most of my tendencies to worry or be anxious in high school, but I think it turns out I just have not had anything to worry about in quite a while.
I am trying to keep everything in perspective here. I get to learn, one of my favorite things to do. School will challenge me, but it is not going to kill me. My immediate needs are always met, I have loads of people who love and care for me, and I have one year. One year to soak up the community only found on a college campus, to pour into other students, to love them and share how Jesus does too. But right now, my emotions are playing with my rational sense, and I already need a reminder of the full life I was made for.
The school year is here. The daily crazy is back. I am not ready, but I don’t think there is anything that will prepare me more. As most of us re-enter the picked-up pace after slow(er) summer days, I remember how futile worry is. It will not add a day to our lives, so let us take one one day at a time. “This is the day the Lord has made,” I remind myself. I will rejoice in it, and I will let tomorrow worry about itself.